Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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