I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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