Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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