Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
