God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Randomize
