my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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