I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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