My Higher Power is John Stamos
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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