I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
