i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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