U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
