You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
