I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You are a genius and a whore.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
