I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize