You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We need to rekindle our bromance
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
