i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
