I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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