Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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