My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
