the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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