Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
