It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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