drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
