2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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