So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
