i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All I want is dick and wine.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
