I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
