im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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