My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
