got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
