Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
