in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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