why didn't you poke me back
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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