If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
