Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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