I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
