he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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