You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
