Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
