Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
