The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
