No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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