My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
