I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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