we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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