you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
why do cheetos always look like penises
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
