I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
