I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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