Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
