Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
