I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
