I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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