the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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