ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
