you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
