Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
