i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
even my farts smell like vagina
I am midnight drunk by noon
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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