Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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