I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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