Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
