ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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