I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
