the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
