All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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