Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
there is glitter all over my balls
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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