i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
